


Different Resolutions

by MallowAtomica



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Remix, Episode: s02e25 Resolutions, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25657030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MallowAtomica/pseuds/MallowAtomica
Summary: Resolutions, but with Torres instead of Chakotay
Relationships: Kathryn Janeway/B'Elanna Torres
Comments: 35
Kudos: 51





	1. Sick

Kathryn Janeway stood with the rest of the away team, in a large, grassy clearing near the edge of a forest. The sky was blue, the trees were green. It looked like home. She turned to her team and smiled. "I think this will be a good place for some much needed shore leave." She paused as she felt the tingle of the transporter beam, and continued a second later as they materialized in the transporter room. "I'll ask Commander Chakotay to start organizing . . ." She paused again, blinked, tried to step off the transporter platform, and collapsed on the deck.

=^=

She woke up in Sickbay, leaning against Samantha Wildman and vomiting into a metal pan. Sam was holding the pan and using her free hand to keep Kathryn's hair out of her face. Kathryn couldn't stay conscious long enough to thank her.

=^=

The next time she woke up, she was too weak to move. Someone was talking. The EMH. And Kes. Kathryn remained still, with her eyes closed, and tried to listen. She heard the words 'Torres' and 'insect'. She tried to hear more but everything hurt and she was tired. Listening is hard, she thought, and passed out.

=^=

"Momurlans." No, that wasn't right. Kathryn tried again. "Romulans." She began struggling, trying to get up. But Tom Paris was there, gently pushing her shoulders back against the biobed. "No Romulans, Captain," he assured her, "Everything's fine." Kathryn tried to squirm out from under his hands. Not an easy task. Her body was on fire. She looked down at herself. She wasn't literally on fire, she discovered. It only felt as if she were. No matter. "Gotta get bridge," she gasped. She heard Tom calling for the Doctor and then everything was black again.

=^=

Eventually, Kathryn's lucid periods became longer and more frequent. She began to make sense of her situation. She and B'Elanna Torres had been bitten by insects on the away mission, and had contracted a virus. They had high fevers, not as high as they had been, but still high enough to cause intermittent delirium. That explained why she sometimes woke up in Sickbay, sometimes in her childhood bedroom, and sometimes in a cage with a Cardassian laughing at her. She heard the Doctor and Kes discussing neurotoxins, cytotoxins, hemotoxins. That didn't make her feel any better. Especially since her pain got worse as her fever got lower. When she was awake, and understood where she was, she would turn her head to look at B'Elanna. Occasionally, she would find her companion awake, too, and would try to say a few words of comfort. Usually, though, B'Elanna was unconscious, and Kathryn would lie very still and try to distract herself from her pain by studying the other woman's face until she drifted off again. 

A long time seemed to pass like this.

On the evening of Day 8, both of them were awake and having one of their exhausting and somewhat repetitive conversations. "We're going to get through this," Kathryn said. "I know, Captain," B'Elanna replied. Hearing his patients stirring, the Doctor hurried over, announcing that he had good news and bad news.

The bad news was that he didn't know what was wrong with them.

"The symptoms are similar to a disease called Dengue Fever, once common on Earth, but now eradicated. There are also marked similarities to the Bajoran Uhni-Bhirlon Syndrome. Interestingly, both cultures chose to give the affliction the nickname 'breakbone' or 'bonebreak' fever."

"Fucking fascinating," managed B'Elanna.

Kathryn would have laughed if she had the energy.

The further bad news was that the Doctor didn't know how to fix them.

There wasn't actually any good news. Kathryn thought that the holographic Doctor needed to keep working on his human conversational conventions. But right now, she settled for his assurances that he wasn't going to deactivate himself until he found a cure.

=^=

On the morning of Day 11, the other shoe dropped. "Both of you are showing signs of apoptopic DNA fragmentation in your obdurator and femoral nerves."

As usual, B'Elanna had held a little of her strength in reserve for sarcasm. "I've got a problem involving you and my nerves," she muttered.

The EMH ignored her. "In a nutshell, your nerve tissue is necrotizing, and the damage is spreading. First it will paralyze you, then it will kill you."

Kathryn fixed the Doctor with a hard stare. "What's the treatment?"

The Doctor evaded her question. Maybe he even did it on purpose. "I have a theory."

"A theory?"

"You were each on the planet for several hours, and experienced acute symptoms immediately upon your return to the ship. It seems unlikely that you were both bitten in the last few seconds before you beamed up. Therefore, we can assume that either something on the planet held your symptoms in abeyance, or that some catalyst aboard Voyager activated the virus in your bodies. I'd like to send you back down to the planet for a period of observation. Meanwhile, we'll set up a cleanroom here on Voyager. We'll monitor your condition on the planet. If you improve, we'll beam you directly into the cleanroom. That should at least allow us to determine whether we need to start looking for a counteragent here or on the planet."

The EMH was out of ideas, Kathryn realized. He had exhausted the combined medical knowledge of how-ever-many doctors he was programmed with and now he was simply hoping to figure out which haystack to start searching for the needle.

All she said was: "When?"

"Lt. Paris and Ensign Wildman are setting up the facility now."

=^=

The facility turned out to be a Size 72 cargo container, the kind that normally holds eighteen photon torpedo casings. Currently, it held two cots, a great deal of medical monitoring equipment, and Kes in a biohazard suit. The Ocampan nurse helped her patients onto the cots and began hooking them up to the various monitors. Kathryn looked around with interest. The cargo container had been rigged for air purification, climate control, and power. There was even a portable lav unit in the corner. All the comforts of home. At the moment, the hatch was propped open. Kathryn was surprised, having momentarily forgotten that the purpose of this phase of the experiment was to expose the subjects to the planet's environment. She was so tired. It was hard to think. Her brain felt muddy. She shifted her position slightly, so she could easily look at B'Elanna as well as at the sunbeam streaming through the hatch. She was asleep before Kes got all the monitors connected.

Kathryn slept for hours, an easy, natural sleep in the fresh air of the planet. She stirred when Tom relieved Kes, and again later when she heard him talking quietly to B'Elanna. When she awoke fully, it was twilight and Samantha Wildman was on duty. B'Elanna was sitting cross legged on her cot, sipping something from a can. "What do you have there?" Kathryn asked. 

"Nutritional supplement," the lieutenant grinned. "I saved you a banana one." 

"Ugh," groaned Kathryn. "At least it's not strawberry!"

Sam laughed, the sound tinny through her helmet speaker. "Don't worry, Captain. The strawberry ones mysteriously found their way into a spare storage locker in Sickbay. I've got the other banana, two chocolates, and two vanillas. If you feel up to it?"

Kathryn eased herself into a sitting position, imitating B'Elanna and folding her legs beneath her. "I feel fine," she said. "Exhausted, but better than I've felt in nearly two weeks. Let me have a chocolate!"

=^=

The rest of the 48 hour observation period seemed to pass very quickly. Neither patient was troubled by a fever, and they both felt their pain ease hour by hour. They slept a great deal, Kathryn especially. The captain found herself slightly envious of B'Elanna's youthful vitality and hybrid strength. All Kathryn had the energy to do was lie quietly in her cot and watch her companion talking with Kes and Sam or playing dominoes with Tom. It was a habit that she had picked up in Sickbay, watching B'Elanna's face. It relaxed her when she couldn't sleep through her pain and gave her something comforting to focus on when she needed to fight off nausea or ground herself in reality after a fever dream. Now, it made her feel at peace.

On the morning of the second day, both officers returned to duty, in a manner of speaking. The most work they could actually manage was getting status reports from Chakotay and Carey and issuing a few instructions, but even being able to do that much was a boost to their morale. Kes filled the captain in on the status of the Doctor's research and described the cleanroom setup. As her energy returned and the excruciating pains subsided, Kathryn began to make plans to assist the Doctor in his search for a counteragent.

That afternoon, Tom arrived with the results of the final round of the pool tournament he had organized in Sandrine's. Kathryn wasn't sure which shocked B'Elanna more - the news that her captain had placed a bet on the tournament, or the fact that she had correctly picked the dark horse Neelix for the win.

Samantha arrived for her evening shift with something even more welcome than news of gambling winnings - a box marked "UFPSF Nutritional Supplement, Bar". Kathryn and B'Elanna were so excited at the prospect of solid food, neither could decide on a flavor. In the end, they had Sam break one peanut butter bar and one blueberry bar into halves and they shared them both, laughing with their mouths full and dropping crumbs on their blankets.

Everyone was in good spirits the next morning, as preparations were made to transport the two patients to Voyager's new cleanroom. Kathryn's optimism was further buoyed by the fact that she and B'Elanna were both able to stand for beam-out. They had arrived here leaning on Tom and Sam for support, but they were going home standing on their own feet. She turned and offered B'Elanna a warm smile.

She was still smiling four seconds later when she collapsed on the cleanroom floor.


	2. The Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn and B'Elanna consider their options.

Kathryn opened her eyes and saw the "ceiling" of the cargo container/field hospital above her. Automatically, she turned her head to check on B'Elanna. She was there, on the other cot, with her face turned to the wall. She wasn't sleeping, though. Kathryn could tell by the tension in her shoulders and back. Hot tears of frustration gathered at the corners of her eyes and she blinked them away quickly, before anyone could see. Starfleet captains did not cry. Not where they might be seen, anyway.

It was hard, though, hard and unfair, and she was angry. Everyone had been so confident when she and B'Elanna had prepared to beam back to the ship. But she'd hardly had time to glimpse the walls of Voyager's new cleanroom before she fell to her knees, her body wracked by nausea and pain. Now they were back on this godforsaken planet and all she wanted to do was cry, but she had to say something, something positive and captainly, to B'Elanna, and to Kes, Tom, and Samantha, gathered around the monitors at the far end of the cargo container. "Well," she began. "I guess we've determined it's something on the planet."

=^=

Kathryn and B'Elanna were under medical observation again, and getting stronger again, but this time with no laughter, no jokes about gambling or nutritional supplements. Kathryn wouldn't go so far as to think there was no hope. But optimism was thin on the ground. B'Elanna spent most of her time pretending to sleep. Kathryn sat her on cot and tried not to calculate the odds of her team finding a cure for the virus. The hatch was propped open, as usual, and crewmembers in biohazard suits crossed her line of sight from time to time. Every few hours, an officer would bring the patients a selection of insects imprisoned in sample tubes. "Is this the one that bit you, ma'am?" "Is this the one that bit you?"

"I barely got a look at the damn thing," growled B'Elanna. "Why is it so important they find the exact same kind, anyway?"

"If they can find the same kind of insect, we can analyze it, study its cofactors." Kathryn explained.

"What's a cofactor?"

"Don't look at me!" put in Tom Paris.

Kathryn waited. "No one was looking at you, flyboy." That's what B'Elanna was going to say. And that would be a sign that she was feeling better, mentally. But the lieutenant remained silent, so Kathryn suppressed a sigh and carried on with her explanation. "A cofactor is a sort of helper molecule. It serves as a catalyst in biochemical transitions. Our biochemistry is obviously much more complex than that of an insect. Additionally, whatever keeps the virus dormant in our bodies is extremely short lived. That's why we get sick instantly when we return to the ship. So, if we find the right insect down here, a carrier, we will have a much better chance of isolating the relevant cofactor, the substance that interacts directly with the virus. And then we can use that information as a starting point for devising a cure."

Silence. Then, "We're going to be . . ." Kathryn started talking over B'Elanna, firmly, insistently. "We are NOT going to be stuck on this planet forever." She threw back her covers. It was time to take action. She had to pull B'Elanna out of her malaise now, before she sank too deep and maybe dragged them both down. "Mr. Paris," ordered the captain crisply. "Go back to the ship and beam us down some uniforms. And tell the Doctor we're done being observed. We have work to do."

B'Elanna smiled a very tiny smile and nodded.

=^=

The next problem was the mismatch between B'Elanna's expertise and the type of work that needed to be done. B'Elanna had a gift, she could solve any mechanical problem put to her and she had a solid understanding of physics. But her knowledge of biology was severely lacking. Kathryn decided to start her off with practical work, something to keep her hands occupied as well as her mind. She had a long list of equipment sent down from the ship, microscopes, blood analyzer units, genome sequencers, detronal scanners, anything and everything that might be useful. Together, she and B'Elanna dragged the cots out of the storage container and began setting up the lab. Kathryn explained each piece of equipment as they worked and let B'Elanna take charge of assembling the devices and connecting them to the power conduits. Both of them were still shaky from two weeks of severe illness. They took a lot of breaks, sitting on the floor with their backs against storage containers, talking about the work they were doing. Kathryn dozed a little. By late afternoon, the lab was finished. They set up the tent Kathryn had ordered from the ship, pulled their cots inside, and flopped down without bothering to change out of their uniforms. Just before sleep claimed her, Kathryn realized it hadn't occurred to either of them to request two tents. Sleeping next to B'Elanna gave her a feeling of comfort and security. She was glad to know B'Elanna seemed content to be near her, too.

Kathryn spent the next few days teaching B'Elanna. How to set up insect traps and collect the specimens. How to gather soil and water samples, how to perform preliminary analyses on them. How to organize all the data and transmit it to the ship for the Doctor and Sam to study in more detail. It wasn't the type of work B'Elanna would have chosen, if she'd had a choice, but she mastered it quickly and Kathryn could see that her mood was improved by having useful tasks to perform.

But as time wore on, Kathryn knew there was a decision to be made.

She laid awake in her cot on the 25th night after they had contracted the virus. She listened to B'Elanna breathing and she remembered the day she'd ordered the destruction of the Caretaker's Array. B'Elanna on the bridge, screaming at her, ready to physically attack.

_"Who is she to be making these decisions for all of us?"_

And Chakotay, quiet but firm, reining B'Elanna in when no one else could.

_"She's the Captain."_

She had made the decision, she had decided the crew would stay in the Delta Quadrant. Had she been shortsighted? Had she been selfish? What about now, what about B'Elanna? Order her to the ship, possibly condemning her to decades in a stasis pod? Order her to stay, here on this unknown planet, maybe for years, maybe for ever?

She had to let B'Elanna make her own choice.

=^=

Kathryn watched as B'Elanna closed her eyes and began rummaging around in the box of ration packs. "The packages are all the same," she said, amused. "You're not going to be able to find a good one by touch."

"There aren't any good ones left." B'Elanna reached far down in the bottom of the box and pulled out what she clearly hoped was a decent meal. "That's why I'm rooting around blind. I don't want to have to choose between crap and shit." She held the label to the light from the plasma lantern and groaned. "Number 11."

Kathryn smiled and pulled two ration packs from behind her back. "Tonight, we feast like queens!" She tossed one pack to her companion.

"Chili Mac!" B'Elanna didn't quite squeal with joy, but it was a near thing. "Wait a minute. You're not trying to butter me up for something, are you?"

It was the first time the younger woman had ever spoken so casually to her captain, joking, like a friend would do. Kathryn found herself wanting to hold on to the moment. She sat down on the ground, on the opposite side of the plasma lantern, and spent more time than was strictly necessary opening her ration pack. "Not exactly," she said, finally. "But I need to talk to you about something and I didn't want dehydrated plomeek soup with omelette to make you unduly pessimistic."

"I must have missed that lesson at Starfleet Academy."

"Actually, I learned it from Tom's dad."

B'Elanna snorted.

"We need to discuss our long term situation," Kathryn said, carefully, softly.

"I know."

"I talked to the Doctor today. He says he has no other options to explore, aside from contacting the Vidiians."

"NO!" B'Elanna jumped halfway to her feet in a fight-or-flight reflex. "We CANNOT contact the Vidiians."

Kathryn stretched out a hand, not touching B'Elanna, but letting her see that support was there if she needed it. B'Elanna sank slowly back to a sitting position.

"I agree that contacting the Vidiians is not an option," Kathryn continued. "I just wanted to list all the alternatives. Another possibility would be remaining aboard Voyager in long term stasis."

"Stasis units draw a lot of power." B'Elanna was an engineer first and foremost. "Besides, I'm not sure how I feel about staying under indefinitely. We could be unconscious for years, decades." She paused. "But I guess the last option is staying here on this planet for years or decades."

"Not necessarily," said Kathryn. "You and Mr. Carey bought enough parts last month to build three new shuttlecraft. He could spare us what we'd need to build our own. Once we cure the virus, we wouldn't have to be stuck on this planet."

"Yeah, we could head for home in a Type Four shuttle, should only take about seven hundred years."

"If we got off the planet, we might find a shortcut. We might make some friends who would give us a ride. It's not outside the realm of possibility that we might catch up to Voyager."

"Is you curing this virus outside the realm of possibility?"

"I fully believe that I can find a cure." Kathryn hesitated. "But I'm not sure how long it might take."

A long silence followed.

"I'm not going to order you to do anything," Kathryn said, very quietly.

"When do I have to let you know my decision?"

Surprise flickered across Kathryn's face. "Soon. But not tonight." She cleared her throat. "Not long ago, you wouldn't even have taken the time to think about it."

"I guess a lot's changed since we've been in the DQ."

"I guess it has."

They sat gazing at the plasma lantern for a long moment. Then B'Elanna spoke.

"I'm not eating that plomeek soup for breakfast."

=^=

"This is Kathryn Janeway. I've never liked saying good bye, so I'll make this brief, but I want you all to know that serving as your captain has been the most extraordinary experience of my life. No captain could ask more than what this crew has given. Bravery, compassion and strength of character. But I think what I'll miss most is the fun. The times we joked together, the games on the holodeck. I'll remember the laughter more than anything. Although Lieutenant Torres and I won't be with you for the rest of your journey, we know that you'll be the same steadfast crew for Commander Chakotay and Lieutenant Carey as you have been for us. We wish you a safe and a speedy journey home. Our thoughts will be with you **.** Janeway out."

Neither woman spoke for a long moment. Then B'Elanna cleared her throat and said, "That was a good message, Captain."

Her companion turned to her and smiled. "Maybe you should call me Kathryn."


	3. Starlight

Kathryn and B'Elanna stood still, gazing up at the blue sky as if they were going to be able to see Voyager soaring away from them. The silence lasted a long time. It was very quiet, here on this unknown planet, a lifetime from home, every friend but one far away. Kathryn felt fear welling up in her, like hot water bubbling from a fountain. She had always believed that fear was a guidepost, something to remind her how to take care of herself and the people around her. This fear was about isolation, she thought. She knew from hard experience how loneliness could lead to despair. It was her job to make sure that didn't happen here, to her or to B'Elanna.

She gripped B'Elanna's shoulder, then let her hand trail downward until their fingertips touched. She was pleased when she felt B'Elanna's hand slide into her own. Kathryn let the moment stretch a bit longer, then squeezed the other woman's fingers and smiled at her before pulling gently away. She strode off toward the cargo container and the supplies stacked neatly beside it. "I can't give you orders anymore," she said briskly, "But I think we should start by pouring the thermal concrete pad for the shuttle." B'Elanna scrambled a bit, then reached Kathryn's side and fell into step with her. "Right," she said, equally businesslike. "And the modular shelter the next day. I don't mind sleeping in the tent, but we need to get some of these supplies into the climate control."

"We're going to be fine," Kathryn thought. "We have work to do and we're going to be fine."

=^=

Kathryn stood with her hands on her hips, surveying the interior of the now fully assembled modular shelter. Replicator. Working/dining table with uncomfortable chairs. Storage cabinets. A two-seater sofa. That furniture took up most of the main room. They had three attachment units: Two sleeping pods with single beds, and one sanitation pod with a lav unit and sonic shower. She sighed.

"What's up, Ca .. . .athryn?"

Kathryn could tell by the drawn out vowel sound that B'Elanna had switched from her title to her first name in mid-syllable. She couldn't help but laugh. B'Elanna rolled her eyes.

"I was just wishing we had a bathtub," Kathryn said. "A bath is my favorite way to relax. It's a good place to think, too. Nothing like a good hot bubble bath to rev up your creativity."

"I've finished unpacking the Size 4 cargo container. I can turn it into a bathtub. Don't know how relaxing it will be, since you'll have to fill it with buckets from the river."

Kathryn laughed and bumped B'Elanna's shoulder with her own, giving her a playful little shove. "And you call yourself an engineer!" she teased.

B'Elanna shoulder-checked her right back. They were both smiling as they returned to their work.

=^=

Kathryn Janeway's personal log, Stardate 49690.1. Day twenty four of our stay on the planet we've named New Earth. As yet I've been unable to make any progress in finding a cure for our illness. However, I remain confident that . . .

She had broken off the log there, hours ago, and had been lying in bed since then, the words echoing in her head. I remain confident . . . I remain confident . . . Maybe looking for protein co-factors is the wrong approach . . . I remain confident . . . Even if I can't find a specimen of the insect that infected us, I could try to learn something about the bio-molecular evolution of this planet's ecosystem . . . I remain confident . . . no I damn well don't . . .

She suppressed a sigh. She had been lying here too long. She was stiff and having to fight the urge to toss and turn. The sleeping pods were separated from the main room of the shelter by thin partitions. She'd wake B'Elanna if she wasn't careful. She slipped quietly out of bed and out the door.

Kathryn stood outside the shelter for a long time, her bare feet on the planet and her face turned to the stars. She could still feel worry pulling at the back of her mind, a nasty little voice whispering nasty little comments. But the stars, the stars might fix her if she could look at them long enough.

The shelter door opened. "Everything ok?

"Just a touch of insomnia. Thought I'd do a little stargazing. I'm sorry I woke you."

B'Elanna stepped up beside her and tilted her head back, too. "I'm sorry I ruined your night vision."

"Don't worry about it." She paused. "I'm glad you joined me."

"Yeah, well, I'm not joining you in standing here like a qechjem. Hold on."

She ducked back inside the shelter, leaving Kathryn blinking against the light and trying to remember what a qechjem was. B'Elanna returned with a blanket.

Wasn't it something to do with a tree? They spread the blanket out and laid down side by side, gazing up at the arm of the Milky Way.

Something like 'leaf'? Frond? Finally, she had to ask.

"Stem," explained B'Elanna. "I didn't want to stand around like a stem, like a plant."

Kathryn chuckled. "That reminds me," she said. "I'm not sure if you're old enough to remember that comedian who used to talk about the woman who wrote Klingon holonovels."

B'Elanna made a little gigglesnort sound. "Yes! The Klingon Hamlet one was the best!"

After a few moments laughing and exchanging their favorite jokes, B'Elanna nudged Kathryn in the ribs. "So? You couldn't remember my age from my service record? How old did you think I was?"

Kathryn thought fast and spoke slowly, trying to buy time to work it out. "Well, I know you . . . ."

B'Elanna took pity on her. "I'm 23."

"You seem older."

"Well, I've been through some shit, haven't I?" The words weren't thoroughly bitter, but they had an edge.

"That you have," said Kathryn softly.

"So?" asked B'Elanna again. "Are you old enough to be my mother, or what?"

"No!" Kathryn paused. "Well, I suppose biologically speaking, it could be possible. But no, not really. I'd be more like your unusually older sister. Or your fun-loving young aunt."

"I think you're -"

A sudden rustling, in the trees just beyond the shelter. B'Elanna jumped instantly to a crouching position, ready for a fight. Kathryn was only a second or two slower. Both women remained perfectly still, straining their ears.

A small monkey sauntered out of the bushes.

Kathryn let out her breath. "It must be one of those primates whose life signs we pick up occasionally." She extended a hand toward the little monkey, talking to it in the same tone she used with her dog back on Earth. "Hello. Are you hungry? Is that why you came here? I'm Kathryn, she's B'Elanna. We've had to move into your neighborhood, but I hope we can be friends." The monkey chittered and scurried up a tree. They could hear him fleeing through the forest. "Maybe he'll come back," said Kathryn, hopefully.

"Looking for a pet?"

Kathryn ignored the sarcasm. "Looking for a clue about primate physiology on this planet. They must have to contend with insect bites too." Kathryn stretched out on the blanket again, eyes on the stars, concentration elsewhere. "We should start looking out for other primates. I've been getting the feeling that I've been missing something important, focusing so much on analyzing soil and water samples and searching for insects. Maybe we could capture a monkey, somehow."

B'Elanna eased back down on the blanket beside her but did not speak.

"What?" demanded Kathryn.

"I was just thinking." B'Elanna sighed. "Even before Voyager left, the Doctor and his team, and the two of us, we all spent weeks trying to find a treatment for this disease. And since we've been alone here, you've been at it twelve hours a day, seven days a week, with me helping when I can, and we're still no closer to a cure than we were the day we were infected."

"I'm not sure what you're getting at," said Kathryn, slowly.

"I'm not getting at anything."

Kathryn rolled over, propped herself on her elbow, and looked down at B'Elanna's face, dimly outlined by the starlight. "Are you talking about quitting, giving up?"

B'Elanna closed her eyes against Kathryn's intense study of her face. It was hard for her, Kathryn knew, to have someone in her emotional space, trying to be close. Before Kathryn could pull back, B'Elanna opened her eyes again and sighed. "No. I want to get back to Voyager. I just don't find it easy to stay positive all the time. Not like you."

Kathryn shook her head, thinking back to her abandoned log and her sleepless night. "I get discouraged, too," she said gently. "But I truly believe that we are going to get through this, get off this planet, get home one day. We're going to do it together." She tucked a stray lock of hair behind B'Elanna's ear and smiled.

B'Elanna smiled back.

Kathryn almost kissed her.

Instead, she rolled over onto her back again and looked up at the stars.

You can't cross that line, she told herself sternly. You're a captain, she's a lieutenant, it's not fair to her for you to suggest something beyond friendship.

But when B'Elanna slipped her hand into hers, she closed her fingers around it and held on until they both fell asleep in the starlight.


	4. The Storm

Kathryn peered through the small hole in the lid of the storage container. She could see the ration cube, still resting on the bottom of the box. Maybe the primates couldn't smell the food inside the container? Maybe they were suspicious of the container itself? Whatever the reason, the monkey trap wasn't working.

She sighed, adjusted the rocks holding the container in its place against the base of the tree, and straightened. She stood with her hands on her hips, looking back up the river toward the meadow that was home. To her surprise, she saw B'Elanna walking along the riverbank, carrying a long stick. Every few meters, she stopped, poked one end of the stick into the water, studied it carefully, then pulled it out and moved on a short distance. She then repeated the process. Kathryn stood still for a moment, watching B'Elanna, trying to figure out the reason for her actions, and then she stood for another long moment, just watching. They had stopped wearing their uniforms weeks ago, and B'Elanna was dressed in a tank top and knee length pants. Long hours working in the sunshine had made her skin darker than it had been on Voyager, and her hair lighter. The sleeveless shirt revealed the lean muscles in her arms, and was tight fitting enough to show off the curves of her breasts.

Kathryn frowned as she realized she was staring, and that her pulse was racing. She had been growing increasingly uneasy about her feelings for B'Elanna, since the night when they had gone to sleep holding hands in the starlight. She had woken up the next morning with her face buried in B'Elanna's neck and for the second time in four hours, had nearly given into the temptation to kiss her. It was then that she thought of Mark, and was shaken to realize that not a single thought of him had crossed her mind the night before.

Kathryn Janeway liked to think she was not the kind of person who played games when it came to romance. But more and more often these days, she questioned that assumption. In fact, she was questioning many things about herself. Did she feel guilty because she was developing feelings for someone besides Mark? Did she feel guilty because she didn't feel guilty enough? Did it even matter, since she wasn't sure if B'Elanna returned her feelings and there were a dozen reasons she could never ask?

The internal arguments were circular and highly exhausting. Kathryn felt like she was fifteen again, and not in a good way.

B'Elanna was only a short distance away now, so Kathryn took a deep breath and stepped out from the shade of the tree. She wanted to say something funny in greeting, to make B'Elanna laugh, but she couldn't think of anything and so just called, "Hello!" She told herself sternly that the warm smile she got in return was reward enough.

"Any luck with the monkeys?" asked B'Elanna.

"No. I think the scent of the storage container might be making them too wary to take the bait. What are you doing with that stick?"

"Poking the water."

"You said that just to make me roll my eyes."

"And it worked." B'Elanna chuckled, then grew serious. "I was thinking about how to build an irrigation system for the garden you're going to make me help you plant tomorrow."

Kathryn blinked. "I was going to talk to you about that at dinner. How did you know?"

B'Elanna shook her head. "I know as well as you do how much raw stock we have for the replicator. Even though we're careful about recycling, it won't last forever. And I saw you outside this morning, studying the ground." She waved her stick aloft. "I borrowed your poking stick."

"That is an advanced scientific instrument," said Kathryn evenly.

B'Elanna raised one eyebrow.

Kathryn grinned. "So I'm glad you used the proper scientific name."

They turned toward the shelter and walked along in companionable silence for a while. Then Kathryn said, "Planting a garden doesn't mean we're giving up."

"I know. You're never giving up."

This time, the silence was less companionable. Kathryn was the one to break it.

"Why do you say that like it's a bad thing?"

B'Elanna stopped and turned to face her former captain, who was forced to stop and turn, too.

"It's not a bad thing. It's who you are. And I want to get back to Voyager as much as you do. I just feel like -"

She stopped abruptly. Kathryn didn't speak, didn't move, didn't even dare to take a breath. B'Elanna volunteering to discuss her emotions was a rare event. Kathryn didn't want to do anything to risk losing the moment. The two of them stood there, in the tall grass by the river, watching each other's faces.

B'Elanna took the leap of faith.

"I want to get back to Voyager. You know that. I bust my ass every day working on the shuttle and helping you with your research. I don't want to stay on this planet any longer than we have to. I just don't care about getting back to Earth, not like you do."

Kathryn was taken aback. B'Elanna's words were calm enough but there was real anger flowing beneath them. She could feel her own temper rising in response, and fought to keep her voice calm and level. "I have someone waiting for me," she began, but B'Elanna cut across her.

"Really? Are you sure he's still waiting? Are you sure he's going to keep on waiting for another five, ten, seventy years?"

Shock made Kathryn react instinctively, and defensively. "What? Why would you even say that? I thought we were friends!"

"I don't think we are friends. Not the way you have friends. Look, I don't want to fight about it. I'm just telling you that I can't sacrifice the present waiting for a future that may never happen." B'Elanna turned and walked away, swatting viciously at the tall grass with her stick.

Kathryn stood and watched her go. She was completely at a loss. Her years of training in conflict resolution and diplomacy weren't helping her figure out what to do about an angry young woman who had just said - what? What had B'Elanna said, exactly? _Not the way you have friends._ And: _I can't sacrifice the present waiting for a future that may never happen._ What was that? What did that mean? She had spent months hoping to get closer to B'Elanna, trying to get her to share something of her inner self. Now she had and Kathryn couldn't remember the last time she had felt so wrongfooted.

B'Elanna kept walking. She didn't hesitate. She didn't look back. Kathryn opened her mouth to call out to her, then stopped herself.

Leave her alone, she told herself firmly. She blindsided you and you need to pull yourself together before you talk to her. She squinted at the dark clouds forming over the line of hills beyond the meadow and wondered how long she would have before she had to return to the shelter and what she was going to do with herself until then. Sit down and cry? Punch something? Continue standing here like a fool? She shrugged. Might as well use the time to check the other insect and monkey traps.

Five minutes later, Kathryn stood smiling in satisfaction at the sight of a new-to-her insect caught in one of her traps. This one might hold the answer, she thought, as she carefully pushed the bug into a sample tube. She glanced at the dark clouds again. There were more of them now, and they looked closer and heavier. She decided to continue on to the second monkey trap and return to the shelter from there. It was only a fifteen minute walk, and less than that from the trap to the shelter. She'd be alright.

There were two monkeys in the trap.

Kathryn had been hoping for this, of course, but hadn't honestly expected it. She would have brought B'Elanna along to help if she had. A slow rolling boom of thunder echoed down from the direction of the hills. It was followed almost instantly by a second thunderclap, not a distant warning this time, but a deafening crack resulting from a close lightning strike. Another storm cell must have formed right above her. No time to go back for B'Elanna now. But the monkeys were thrashing around, struggling to get free from the trap, and screaming in terror, sounding alarmingly like humanoids. Kathryn couldn't bring herself to leave them there, trapped and exposed to the storm. Quite apart from how cruel that would be, the little primates might hold the secrets to curing this damn virus. The rain was coming down now, great torrents of it, freezing cold, and another enormous thunderclap shook the ground. She swore, drew her phaser, and stunned the frantic animals.

Now all she had to do was carry two unconscious monkeys over a kilometer through the woods in a raging storm.

She scooped up the first primate and grunted in surprise. The little guy was heavier than he looked, probably eight or nine kilos, and all of it dead weight, of course. She awkwardly pulled both monkeys into her arms, and nearly dropped them as she stood. She eased them both carefully to the ground again. Lightening ripped across the sky and another tremendous thunderclap reminded Kathryn she needed to move, now. She swore again, knelt down, and unceremoniously shoved both the little animals down the front of her shirt. Now she didn't have to grip the monkeys with her hands, only hold them tightly against her body with her arms. This would work. She took off running at the best speed she could manage, hampered by the monkeys and the lashing rain.

She had just caught sight of the shelter when she caught her foot on a tree root and went down hard. Instinctively, she pitched her body to the side, to avoid falling on the helpless animals. Her head smacked the ground, a sickening blow, and she laid there dazed for a few seconds before trying to struggle to her feet.

Strong hands reached for her, pulled her upright.

B'Elanna.

And then B'Elanna was pulling one of the unconscious monkeys free and tucking it under her own arm, grabbing Kathryn by the wrist, pulling her along through the wind and the driving rain, shouting something Kathryn could not make out over the roar of the storm.

The cargo container/lab was closer than the modular shelter, so they headed there.

They stumbled through the hatch just as the tree fell and crushed the roof.


	5. The Best Lines

The roof and two walls of the cargo container were completely gone. The trunk of the huge old tree was wedged diagonally across the rubble, held off the ground by its own thick branches. Had they entered the container a few seconds sooner, Kathryn and B'Elanna would have been crushed. Now Kathryn was wedged in a corner, penned in by smaller branches, broken lab equipment, and ripped up sheets of duraplast. B'Elanna had lost her grip on the second monkey when the tree fell. It was lying on the floor at Kathryn's feet. She could see its chest rising and falling. She scooped it up. B'Elanna had already clawed her way out of the rubble and was now sitting astride the tree trunk. She turned and stretched her hand down. Kathryn held up the monkey. B'Elanna was screaming something. Kathryn could only make out her own name and the phrase "fuck are you doing?" but she didn't intend to listen to B'Elanna's argument, anyway. She just locked her eyes on her and continued holding up the unconscious animal. B'Elanna seemed to be growling, but finally she grabbed the monkey by the scruff of its neck and hauled over one of her shoulders. She held her free hand out again. Kathryn grabbed B'Elanna's wrist and began to scramble up and over the fallen tree. It was a hard, awkward climb, with the rain still pouring down and both of them clutching a sedated primate under one arm, but soon enough, they were out of the wreckage and sprinting for the modular shelter. The wind slammed the door shut behind them and they leaned their backs against it. Kathryn could feel the door shaking in the wind. The supports of the shelter were anchored in the thermal concrete slab foundation, so the structure wasn't going to go flying off with them inside it, but there was nothing to stop the wind from shearing away the walls and roof. Or dropping another tree on their heads. She pushed those thoughts away and turned to B'Elanna, who was carefully placing the monkey she carried on the work table.

"Are you alright?"

"Are YOU?" 

Kathryn looked down. She was caked in mud. Her clothes were torn in several places. Both her arms were covered in deep scratches. She guessed they were from thorns and branches hitting her as she ran through the woods. She hadn't even felt them at the time. Her head hurt from where she had hit it on, what? Had there been a rock down there, or a tree root? It hurt a lot. She probed carefully at the painful area with her fingers and found a sizeable lump. "I'm fine," she said.

"You're not fine! And you scared me! What were you thinking?"

"There were two primates in one of the traps. What was I going to do? I couldn't leave them!"

B'Elanna shook her head. "I've seen you do some crazy shit, Kathryn Janeway, but running out of a storm, bleeding, with two unconscious monkeys stuffed in your shirt? That's now at the top of the list."  
In the past twenty minutes, Kathryn had wrestled two monkeys, knocked herself senseless, and nearly been killed by a falling tree. She was cold and wet and her head hurt and now she was being scolded. She tended to make smart ass remarks during times of stress, and besides, B'Elanna sounded ridiculous. Kathryn put her hands on her hips, raised her chin, and said the first thing that popped into her head.

"I was trying to impress you."

The two women stared at one another for a few seconds, with perfectly expressionless faces. Then B'Elanna's shoulders jerked a little as she tried to hold back a laugh. Kathryn pressed her lips tightly together in response. And then they were both out of control, shaking with huge howling gales of laughter as the storm raged on around them.

\-----  
Neither of them was laughing that evening, as they surveyed the damage from the storm. As Kathryn had feared, the wind had torn two roof panels from the shelter, over her sleeping pod. Her bedding was soaked, the mattress probably ruined, and two centimeters of rainwater stood on the floor. Luckily, the modular pods had raised coamings along the bottoms of the doors, so the water hadn't flooded into the rest of the shelter. 

The lab was a more serious problem.

"Where do you want to start?" B'Elanna yanked a twisted metal rack out from under a tangle of tree branches and gave it a disgusted look before tossing it clear of the rubble.

"We've got to do something with the monkeys. They'll be waking up soon."

B'Elanna cursed, climbed back over the branches and retrieved the damaged rack she had just discarded. "I can make them a basic cage for tonight, and something better after we get some of this mess sorted out. Anything over there salvageable?"

"Most of it's marginal," sighed Kathryn. "Some of the electronic equipment is in one piece, but we have to assume the rain shorted it out. We can rebuild most of it, but we'll have to replicate the parts and assemble it all from scratch."

B'Elanna tried for an upbeat tone and almost made it. "Well, it's a good thing you know a highly talented engineer."

Kathryn offered her a wry grin. "We need to get everything under wraps before it rains again. We don't need even more water getting into it. How much room is there in the shuttle?"

"Hardly any. My tools and the parts are taking up almost all the floor space already."

"Well, let's get these smaller items into the shelter. We can put the rest under tarps for the time being."

\-----

It was more work, and more difficult, than either of them had expected. It was well after dark by the time they finished moving the gear into the shelter. They stood close together now, in the narrow space left between stacks of storage containers and possibly-salvageable lab equipment. Kathryn reached up to massage her own aching shoulder muscles. "I guess I'm not used to this kind of work," she said. "What I need is a good night's sleep."

"I don't know if you're going to get it on that loveseat." B'Elanna eyed the furniture in question dubiously. Kathryn mustered up her last reserves of cheerful optimism. "I'll be fine," she said. As if to prove her assertion, she flopped down on the loveseat, poked at the cushions, then grinned and bounced a little. B'Elanna sat down next to her.

"I'm sorry about before," B'Elanna said, hesitantly. "What I said, I mean. About your fiancé."

Kathryn looked over at her. Before she could decide what to say, B'Elanna was already continuing, rattled and talking quickly. "It's a thing I do, I bottle everything up and then it eventually comes exploding out, usually in the wrong way and at the worst possible time. I guess it's my strong Klingon emotions. I never really learned how to handle them. So I push people away, because I know I'm going to hurt them if I don't." She bent her head and sat watching her own hands as she rubbed them nervously against her thighs. "Say something," she demanded, a bit desperately.

Kathryn still wasn't sure exactly what she wanted to say, but she could see that her silence was scaring B'Elanna, so she licked her lips and began. "I know that in the past, I've been angry at you for how you expressed your feelings. But . . . " She paused and kneaded her sore shoulder again. "But I hope that I have never made you feel ashamed about having strong emotions. I think your ability to feel so deeply, your passion . . . It's one of your best qualities and I hope that you never lose it."

"Easy for you to say." 

Kathryn hated this, hated seeing B'Elanna so bitter, so full of self-reproach. She thought about how beautiful B'Elanna had looked, standing by the river with the sunlight falling around her. She remembered the sparkle in the warm brown eyes as they laughed together over Kathryn's bedraggled condition, and how she had tried to be cheerful standing in the wreckage of the lab. Kathryn wanted to reach out to this woman, to offer her something sweet and good, but it was hard to take the first step.

"No," she protested, gently. "It's not easy for me to say. I'm, well, maybe I'm more like you than you realize."

B'Elanna looked up, surprised.

"I'm prone to depression, and . . . and guilt, I guess" said Kathryn, hesitantly. "And when I get that way, I . . . isolate myself. I push people away. I guess I push them away all the time, in fact, to some extent. It's easier to be The Captain if I'm not too close to anyone." She took a deep breath. "It's hard for me to share this with you."

B'Elanna put a hand on Kathryn's knee. "I'm glad you're trying."

They both smiled, weakly.

"Still," B'Elanna continued. "You didn't deserve what I said to you this afternoon."

"I don't know." Kathryn placed her hand over B'Elanna's, laced their fingers together. "Maybe I needed to hear it."

"You needed to hear me say terrible things to you?"

"It made me realize that I was using Mark as a safety net, you know, as a way to avoid becoming involved with . . . someone else."

Both of them looked down again, at their hands, twined together in Kathryn's lap. 

It was very quiet in the shelter.

"I'll, um. I'll let you get some sleep now." B'Elanna carefully pulled her hand away and Kathryn didn't try to stop her.

\-----  
I should have tried to stop her, Kathryn thought later. 

She wasn't having much luck sleeping on the loveseat. The cushions were hard and thin, and there wasn't enough room for her to stretch out completely, so she had to lie on her side with her knees tucked up. Her mind was racing, too, reliving the frantic dash through the woods with the monkeys, the terrifying moment when the tree crashed through the roof of the lab. But mostly, she was replaying her conversations with B'Elanna over in her head and berating herself for her own cowardice. Twice today, she had let B'Elanna walk away from her. What if she had held on, what if she had called her back, what if she had done anything except be too afraid to continue down the path that seemed to be opening for them? She could hear B'Elanna now, stirring in her sleeping pod, and then she realized that she was getting out of bed. To use the lav unit or get a drink? Or something else?

"Kathryn?"

Something else, then.

"I know you're awake."

"How could you tell?"

A low chuckle. "I slept in next to you for weeks in Sickbay and in our little field hospital. I know what your breathing sounds like when you're sleeping."

Kathryn smiled, although she knew it was too dim for B'Elanna to see. "I can tell the difference in yours, too."

"Why don't you come get in bed with me? That loveseat can't be comfortable."

"I'm alright here."

She heard B'Elanna take a deep breath. "I know you are. But why don't you get in bed with me, anyway?"

Kathryn felt her blood turn hot, all in an instant. Stop, she told herself. Stop and think. You might be misinterpreting this. 

She cleared her throat. "Is this really about whether or not the couch is comfortable?"

B'Elanna laughed nervously. "No. But that made it easier to say."

\-----

A boisterous group of Voyager veterans and family members was gathered around Commander Torres. This particular story was always a crowd pleaser, and B'Elanna had honed her delivery over many Voyager reunions. "And then, THEN! She says to me, 'I was trying to impress you!'" B'Elanna rolled her eyes dramatically. "Monkeys down her shirt. I ask you."

The laughter died down, a few members of the crowd drifted away. Naomi Wildman began relating a funny story of her own, and Admiral Janeway smiled as she saw B'Elanna extricating herself from the little knot of people.

"Everyone loves that story," Kathryn remarked as B'Elanna eased onto the bench beside her. 

"Well, partial credit to you. 'I was trying to impress you.' That was a great line."

Kathryn raised one corner of her mouth in a half-smile. "I thought you had the best line that night."

"Oh?" B'Elanna took Kathryn's champagne flute from her hand and helped herself to last few sips. "Which line was that?"

Kathryn leaned forward, her lips brushing B'Elanna's ear. "Why don't you get in bed with me, anyway?"

After all these years, that husky whisper still sent shivers down B'Elanna's spine. She pulled back a little, so she could look into Kathryn's eyes. "Did you ever regret how you answered me?"

"No." Kathryn kissed her briefly, but tenderly. "And I never will."


End file.
